Life is just...

Life is just... And by that I don't mean fair. I definitely don't mean that. I mean that it just is. Buddha taught us that life is suffering. Other schools of thought lead with the notion that if you do right, rewards will follow. I believe in karma. And I am a firm believer that what you put out there will be returned to you, both good and bad. Like attracts like.
Having said that, my beliefs are being tested today. I found out that someone I know who is not exactly the nicest person in the world has reached a major pinnacle of success in their career. They are not kindhearted, they are ruthless. They tread on people regularly to get to the top. They use people and discard them once they've squeezed out what they need from them.
So it made me slightly mad. And slightly sad. Because unfortunately that human trait of...i hate to say this, but let's call it what it is - jealousy, had me questioning where I am in life, what I'm doing and what I've actually achieved. In the past, I would have been in a real funk right now. And would be hating on that particular individual. And screaming about how unfair it is. But it's a new dawn for me and I'm happy to say that I allowed myself 5 minutes to feel whatever I wanted (which I'm happy to say was more about me than the other person) and then I took a deep breath and wished them well. Was happy for them. And funny thing is, I meant it.
As my best friend just said to me - you're running your own race. And my reaction tells me I've achieved a little something along the way. :)

On the flipside, someone I know who is the salt of the earth is also making full headway in their career and today is a big day for them. They are one of the most hardworking, talented, creative people I know. So prayers and bundles of positive energy are winging their way over to them...

PS
I still believe in karma.
You can't control anything except your own actions and reactions.

"Now don't you understand man universal law
What you throw out comes back to you, star.
Never underestimate those who you scar
Cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard."

Lost Ones, Lauryn Hill

Blank canvas...yours for the painting.

I created this blog a while ago now. I've even written a few posts. But I never published them and put them out there. I was intending this to be a place for fellow artists and dream seekers to find inspiration and encouragement to keep moving forward in the direction of their dreams, even when doubt and fear were knocking at their door and everything seemed impossible. Actually, it was ESPECIALLY for those moments. I was going to fill it with quotes and inspirational stories. But mainly drawing from third party sources.

But in the last few months, things have changed for me. Dramatically. And now, I feel that it's not about pulling from external sources. My own journey is what counts. And no doubt it will resonate with other people...if anyone ends up reading this! There's nothing better or more inspirational than hearing something personal, something firsthand. Although I don't know what I'll be ready to share with the big unknown world out there on the net, but we'll see.

But back to what I was saying...in the last few months I had to walk through fire and I thought I had lost some of the people I loved the most. I had to face my worst fears, and have them actually happen. The very foundation I had built for myself had cracked and everything from family to love, health, career and security just spiraled away from me out of control. My world was falling apart around me and I couldn't see a way out.
Then something beautiful happened. People were there for me. And I mean really, really there for me. I got to see just how wonderful the people in my life are, and amazingly, how kind people I don't even know can be. Help and support came from every corner.
And somehow, some way, when I thought there was no way, God, the universe, or whatever you wish to call that awesome power, love and spirit, created a way. What I deemed the impossible, materialized. It was in the most dramatic, painful fashion (well it wouldn't be me if it wasn't done in style!), but still it happened.

When everything gets broken down completely the way it did for me, you feel completely shaken. Everything you once knew as true has been stripped away and things have happened that have changed things irrevocably. It's a scary place. You question yourself. You question what you've been doing. You question the way you've been going about it. You question what's right. You question what's wrong. The only word for the place I found myself in is lost. And it's a lonely, terrifying place.

But everything in life is about how you choose to view it. And it's just not in me to be defeated. I don't stay wounded for long. My survivor gene kicks in pretty quickly. Creativity can only be suppressed for so long.
I'm an artist. On many levels. And right now my life feels like a blank canvas to me. When you start a piece, you are sitting in front of this huge white canvas. It's daunting. And that negative voice in your head can go into overdrive. What will you create on there? Do you really know what you're doing? Are you going to plan it out? Or are you going to just begin and see how it goes? What if you mess up? How are you going to feel? Are you even good enough to be doing this? Should you just stop now? You're not as good as other people so should you even try? And often, that blank canvas will live to see another dawn (or two...or ten...).
But eventually, you do pick up the paintbrush. Whichever way you choose to tackle it, you begin. And that's the key thing. You don't need to see the full picture. Just begin. Just take that first step. Have a little faith that you'll be guided in that unknown blank world in front of you. Put paint to canvas. Who knows what you'll discover? And how amazing it could be.
And you know what else? If you do mess up, which you will, you can paint over it. Mistakes can be corrected, and messes can be cleaned up.
Be excited by that immense blank canvas in front of you. You're the designer of your dreams. You hold the brush. It's yours for the creation. So go paint!