Music Therapy - My Element Of Freedom

I wrote a song today. Heard a piece of music that moved me. Heard a new album from one of my favourite artists and got inspired. Then I turned up the sound on my new track, grabbed my voice recorder and started singing my melodies. Then I put pen to paper. Half an hour later, my song was born.
I wasn't in the best of spaces. In fact, I was in one of the worst. But I found myself playing a song from that album that just resonated in every cell of my body. Do you ever have that happen to you? The beat moves you, the bass line fills you, the melody soothes you, the vocals just soar and the lyrics touch you. They touch you so deeply, straight to your soul. They found you at the perfect moment. You needed that song and it found you. It understood you. And it encompassed everything in that moment. I seriously can't describe it any better then saying it touches every cell in your body and every vibration of your soul. I love when that happens. The song in question is Alicia Keys 'Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart'. Ah, for some reason that song hit me today.

But the beauty for me was what happened after. This year I have been uninspired. Unable to create. I knew intellectually that I now have mountains of material, a wealth of experience, a well of joy and pain to draw from, but you don't create art intellectually. Creativity arises in that silent space, that space where you're free. That space where you're not actually thinking, but feeling. Actually, even feeling isn't the right word. And it flowed today. Like it used to. But it also took me to new higher heights. And it healed me. The hurt I was feeling dissipated. The anger melted away. What took it's place? Joy. That beautiful feeling that for me, only music can bring. Only music can bring. And now I don't ever want to stop.
Music inspires. Music heals. Music saves. And today, it did all three for me.
Music, I love you. Nothing could ever take your place.

Trust

What a tricky precarious little thing. So easily shattered. So, so, easily shattered. And once fragmented, is there a way back?
Lack of trust can drive a person crazy. And in no place is this more blatant and rampant than in intimate relationships. Once the seed has been sown that baby just keeps getting watered, over and over. The tragedy is that we tend to that little garden ourselves so very attentively. Self-torture is a particularly unfortunate, but common human trait. It's like we can't help ourselves. The mind monster has taken over and it just keeps on talking. Incessantly. It's own slippery, sly version of parseltongue snaking its way through our minds. Stories that haven't even occurred seize the spotlight in the stage of your imagination. Farfetched dramas play out to get you even more riled up than you were in the first place. And sorry little monologues take shape about what you would say to the person in question...in that situation that doesn't actually exist. It grows into an ugly monster. If jealousy is green, I hate to think what the colour of mistrust is.
Mistrust leads to very random, strange, obsessive behaviour. Stir up that concoction with just the right balance of doubt, jealousy and insecurity and the result is explosive. And one of the side effects of this? Digging. We dig, dig, dig. Some of us may do this verbally. This is my usual style. Some of us will take it further though. Steps that usually walk you straight over the line of acceptability into very dangerous realms. Straight into checking phone calls, text messages, even emails. And some people can take it even further still.
The sad truth is that if you keep digging, you will find something. Dig deep enough, you will find something that you won't like. It may even be a minor thing, but with that crazy hat you're currently wearing, it could be blown up way out of proportion. And once you let it out (cos you can't hide crazy forever!) guess who's gonna be the one who actually did something wrong? Right.
So you did a lot of building. You created a whole reality in your mind. And what can you sometimes be left with? Nothing. All that building, and you destroyed everything.

But how do we separate that irrational mistrust with that bona fide warning bell that our gut sounds off when something is genuinely not right? Our innate sensors that we often ignore. That, I think, is where the problem lies. Surely we should trust that feeling inside, that voice of warning. But how can we separate that authentic voice from the other one. I wish I had the answer to that. I really do. But for right now it's a case of you live and you learn.
I will say one thing I've learnt from the lessons of trust and mistrust. Choose trust. Always choose trust. Go for faith. Go for hope. Go for positivity. You'll more often then not, be rewarded , and on top of that, you won't do any damage either. I'm not talking about those times when you know. When you hear those warning bells and you put ear plugs in. You see red flags and you put your blinkers on. Not in those times when (if you're honest with yourself) inside you really know. I'm talking about the times that you really have lost rationale and reason and just don't know. If you're wrong, you're wrong, and you'll face some heartache that you would have faced regardless. Only, you might be more likely to find the truth this way.
I think we're scared to trust. Scared to end up 'looking like an idiot'. But you won't be the idiot. You'll be the brave soul that had faith and took a leap. And that faith will be rewarded.
Easier said than done. Especially when you're in the thick of things and your mind is running at a million miles a minute.
But just make that decision. Choose trust. You'll manifest that world of honesty around you.

The definition of beauty...Audrey Hepburn

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."

Audrey Hepburn

The Mean Reds

Anyone who knows me personally will know that my favourite actress of all time is Audrey Hepburn. So naturally, one of my favourite films, since I was a little girl, is the classic 'Breakfast At Tiffany's' based on the novel by Truman Capote.
If you haven't seen the film (then where have you been?!) you won't understand the title of this blog. So here to enlighten you is the dialogue from the film where it comes from. Holly Golightly is Audrey's character.


Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?


The mean reds. That's where I am now. This year has been so rocky it has left me in a different state. The future, which I'm usually so positive about, is a daunting prospect because it's filled with the unknown. Choices and decisions are waiting to be made but I feel like they're not giving me enough time. They're pushing me, rushing me to make decisions that I currently don't feel equipped to make.
In the city that never sleeps you're constantly on your grind in one way or another so the pressure to be on top of things and continuously pushing forward is high. Someone recently told me that the world isn't going to wait for me. That things will never be perfect in life so that I can proceed how I want in the way I want. That I should be doing everything in my power at all times to go for my goals.
I agree with the principle of that. In fact, that was usually my M.O. No matter what happened to me, no matter how hard I had fallen, I would dust myself off and keep going. That's what winners do right? But this time, I see where the flaws can be in that approach. Sometimes, in your hurry to prove yourself and get back on your game, you end up driving blind. And usually with no gas in the tank. So what happens? You fall again. And those opportunities that you were so worried about missing? Well you can end up messing them up anyway.
I guess the point I'm trying to make, and the thing I've realised this time round, is that sometimes it's ok to take a step back. It's ok to take a break and refresh yourself. The mean reds can be pretty unforgiving. Give yourself time to feel whatever you're feeling - the blues or the mean reds. Get your energy and faith back up. Come up with a better game plan. So that once the blues or reds have passed by, you're ready to go again. Ready for all the other colours of the rainbow you're planning to paint with.

Those 3 Words

Are you the one to say them first? Do they scare you? Do you fear the repercussions?
I think I can safely say that my memory serves me well enough to say that I haven't been the first to utter those words to someone. Until now...
I've wanted to say them for quite some time but fear held me back. And the knowledge (or belief) that the person on the receiving end wasn't quite in the same place as me so I wouldn't be hearing it said back to me. I guess saying it and having the response of tumbleweeds whistling by didn't exactly fill me with the joys of the emotion in question - love. But then I realised that that was ok. It really was. That I didn't love this person because they love me. It wasn't about the return or the gain. It was the purity of the emotion, of the feeling. For the first time in my life I can safely say that I truly love someone. In the very best sense of the word.
And at this point I'll hand these words over to Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians (13:4-8), who is so often quoted but I believe this is because he expressed it best.

'Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on it's own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends.'


I just wanted him to know. Before he got back on the plane. What can say? I'm an old romantic at heart! And I'm a firm believer that although we may have all the time in the world, we also may not. We never know what's around the corner lying in wait for any of us. Or what circumstances will bring about that one sure thing that life offers us on a continuous basis - change. So do you want to be someone who let fear dictate your actions? Do you want the people in your life to not know how you really feel? How much you really love them? If tomorrow isn't promised I think I'll seize today.

So I told him. With no expectations. And I was pleasantly surprised by the response. And do I feel awkward? Ashamed? Stupid? No. I felt lighter, happier. I felt great. Living in honesty is a beautiful thing.
As mentioned in my previous post, i'm a believer that what you put out there will be returned to you. So I chose love over fear. I spoke the words from my heart and I believe 100% that they will be returned to me. In the giving, unselfish way that they were meant and delivered from me. Only, I've learnt that they may not come from the one you bestowed it upon. Years ago I would have viewed this scenario very differently and have taken the egotistical fear-based approach. I would have seen weakness in saying those three words.
Now I know they hold nothing but power. The purist, richest, strongest power in existence.
Love.

'And now faith, hope and love abide, these three; and the greatest of these is love.'
1 Corinthians 13:13

Life is just...

Life is just... And by that I don't mean fair. I definitely don't mean that. I mean that it just is. Buddha taught us that life is suffering. Other schools of thought lead with the notion that if you do right, rewards will follow. I believe in karma. And I am a firm believer that what you put out there will be returned to you, both good and bad. Like attracts like.
Having said that, my beliefs are being tested today. I found out that someone I know who is not exactly the nicest person in the world has reached a major pinnacle of success in their career. They are not kindhearted, they are ruthless. They tread on people regularly to get to the top. They use people and discard them once they've squeezed out what they need from them.
So it made me slightly mad. And slightly sad. Because unfortunately that human trait of...i hate to say this, but let's call it what it is - jealousy, had me questioning where I am in life, what I'm doing and what I've actually achieved. In the past, I would have been in a real funk right now. And would be hating on that particular individual. And screaming about how unfair it is. But it's a new dawn for me and I'm happy to say that I allowed myself 5 minutes to feel whatever I wanted (which I'm happy to say was more about me than the other person) and then I took a deep breath and wished them well. Was happy for them. And funny thing is, I meant it.
As my best friend just said to me - you're running your own race. And my reaction tells me I've achieved a little something along the way. :)

On the flipside, someone I know who is the salt of the earth is also making full headway in their career and today is a big day for them. They are one of the most hardworking, talented, creative people I know. So prayers and bundles of positive energy are winging their way over to them...

PS
I still believe in karma.
You can't control anything except your own actions and reactions.

"Now don't you understand man universal law
What you throw out comes back to you, star.
Never underestimate those who you scar
Cause karma, karma, karma comes back to you hard."

Lost Ones, Lauryn Hill

Blank canvas...yours for the painting.

I created this blog a while ago now. I've even written a few posts. But I never published them and put them out there. I was intending this to be a place for fellow artists and dream seekers to find inspiration and encouragement to keep moving forward in the direction of their dreams, even when doubt and fear were knocking at their door and everything seemed impossible. Actually, it was ESPECIALLY for those moments. I was going to fill it with quotes and inspirational stories. But mainly drawing from third party sources.

But in the last few months, things have changed for me. Dramatically. And now, I feel that it's not about pulling from external sources. My own journey is what counts. And no doubt it will resonate with other people...if anyone ends up reading this! There's nothing better or more inspirational than hearing something personal, something firsthand. Although I don't know what I'll be ready to share with the big unknown world out there on the net, but we'll see.

But back to what I was saying...in the last few months I had to walk through fire and I thought I had lost some of the people I loved the most. I had to face my worst fears, and have them actually happen. The very foundation I had built for myself had cracked and everything from family to love, health, career and security just spiraled away from me out of control. My world was falling apart around me and I couldn't see a way out.
Then something beautiful happened. People were there for me. And I mean really, really there for me. I got to see just how wonderful the people in my life are, and amazingly, how kind people I don't even know can be. Help and support came from every corner.
And somehow, some way, when I thought there was no way, God, the universe, or whatever you wish to call that awesome power, love and spirit, created a way. What I deemed the impossible, materialized. It was in the most dramatic, painful fashion (well it wouldn't be me if it wasn't done in style!), but still it happened.

When everything gets broken down completely the way it did for me, you feel completely shaken. Everything you once knew as true has been stripped away and things have happened that have changed things irrevocably. It's a scary place. You question yourself. You question what you've been doing. You question the way you've been going about it. You question what's right. You question what's wrong. The only word for the place I found myself in is lost. And it's a lonely, terrifying place.

But everything in life is about how you choose to view it. And it's just not in me to be defeated. I don't stay wounded for long. My survivor gene kicks in pretty quickly. Creativity can only be suppressed for so long.
I'm an artist. On many levels. And right now my life feels like a blank canvas to me. When you start a piece, you are sitting in front of this huge white canvas. It's daunting. And that negative voice in your head can go into overdrive. What will you create on there? Do you really know what you're doing? Are you going to plan it out? Or are you going to just begin and see how it goes? What if you mess up? How are you going to feel? Are you even good enough to be doing this? Should you just stop now? You're not as good as other people so should you even try? And often, that blank canvas will live to see another dawn (or two...or ten...).
But eventually, you do pick up the paintbrush. Whichever way you choose to tackle it, you begin. And that's the key thing. You don't need to see the full picture. Just begin. Just take that first step. Have a little faith that you'll be guided in that unknown blank world in front of you. Put paint to canvas. Who knows what you'll discover? And how amazing it could be.
And you know what else? If you do mess up, which you will, you can paint over it. Mistakes can be corrected, and messes can be cleaned up.
Be excited by that immense blank canvas in front of you. You're the designer of your dreams. You hold the brush. It's yours for the creation. So go paint!